Well lookie here!

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Rejection

Click here for Rejection.docx

Rejection--what we're really afraid of.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Republicans Hate Women

Monday, June 4, 2012

Dime for a Dozen?

“I think it’s something every girl does.”

I still don’t know why I said that, because I don’t feel that way, and I hated the words as they left my lips. I think we say things like that to appear modest, downplay our pain…..? Make it look as though we’re not just mugging for attention or sympathy. That it wasn’t just a pathetic cry for help, or the spotlight. Because that’s all anorexia is, isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know. I mean, I lived through it, and am slowly coming out the other side (I live with it), but I still don’t know if I did it for the attention or…..what? It wasn’t so I could control something in my life; people say that’s why we do it, but that’s such bullshit. I think I did it primarily to prove a point to everyone who called me fat—kids at school, boys I liked, family members….. so that if they saw me, they’d have to eat their words. Because I was not fat anymore; I was a fucking skeleton. It was really pretty disgusting. I don’t know. Maybe it’s an individual thing. Like cutting—I was talking to Jake about this the other day. I knew this girl in high school who would scrape up her arms every so often and then show us all in class, and it irritated me because she wasn’t doing it for anything other than the shock value, to make people look at her and pay attention to her. I *despise* that. It makes the rest of us, who sat in our bathrooms bleeding and not crying and HATING ourselves, look like we’re just doing the same thing when we finally talk about it. I wore pants for years to hide the scars on my legs, and tried covering them up with makeup and even paint when I knew they might be seen. It wasn’t something I bragged about—it just served as a way to relieve some stress, and hurt myself a little bit, because sometimes emotional pain doesn’t hurt in the right way, and you need to take it to another level, because you’ve done something truly heinous, like existing, and you need to be punished for that transgression. What I’m saying, though, is that the people who abuse themselves from a deeper place than “look at me!” are really, really hurting. And to say, “Oh, it’s something we all do,” (or worse, the EXTREMELY misogynistic “Every girl does that,” a phrase I’m ashamed to have uttered) cheapens it, cheapens the pain that was and is real, and makes the person feel foolish and trivial.

Dime for a Dozen?

Sunday, May 27, 2012

To My Body: An Apology Long Overdue

I'm sorry that I
hurt you
berated you
and called you names
hit you
told you you were fat
and stupid
and ugly
and made you believe it
I'm sorry I made you starve and hate yourself for it
I'm sorry I measured
(and celebrated)
how small you were becoming
every morning.
and night

I'm sorry I abused you
instead of treating you with the love you deserve

I'm sorry I made you weak
and cold
and hot
and tired
and when you wanted to shut down
I hit you
screamed at you
and pushed you on anyway
and when you tried to take a stand
and do what you needed to do
to survive
I punished you
and hated you

Sometimes I still hate you
I think a part of me always will
But I love you
also
and I'm sorry

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Rapunzel and Ninetails

I think if Rapunzel had a Pok√©mon, she’d have a Ninetails (aside from a Kecleon, I know)…..so I drew a crossover pic. Just a peaceful nap in the soft grass.

Why men should put the seat down. WITH STATISTICS!!!

A chart showing why it's men's responsibility to put the seat down.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

GOLD'S GYM - part 3

@GoldsGym I work out at the Gilbert, AZ and Peoria, AZ locations. I received a call from one of your reps telling me that I can't freeze my account for financial reasons, even though I was already told by another rep that I COULD freeze the accounts (FREEZE, not terminate) as long as I did so with a $0, and before the payments started processing. What happens when I'm out of money--what will you take then? I don't appreciate being given the run-around; I don't appreciate being taken advantage of. I'm facing tough times and I'm asking you simply to HELP me by freezing my account until I can find a job. This makes me question how much I want to renew my contract in November.

GOLD'S GYM - part 4

@GoldsGym By the way, I am posting this on every social media site I know. People need to know what's going on, so they can protect themselves.

GOLD’S GYM – part 3
@GoldsGym I work out at the Gilbert, AZ and Peoria, AZ locations. I received a call from one of your reps telling me that I can’t freeze my account for financial reasons, even though I was already told by another rep that I COULD freeze the accounts (FREEZE, not terminate) as long as I did so with a $0, and before the payments started processing. What happens when I’m out of money–what will you take then? I don’t appreciate being given the run-around; I don’t appreciate being taken advantage of. I’m facing tough times and I’m asking you simply to HELP me by freezing my account until I can find a job. This makes me question how much I want to renew my contract in November.

GOLD’S GYM – part 4
@GoldsGym By the way, I am posting this on every social media site I know. People need to know what’s going on, so they can protect themselves.

GOLD'S GYM - part 2

@MissShaina Hi Shaina. We're sorry you're having trouble getting in contact with us. Can you tell us what location you were working out at? We can then forward your request to our customercare team right away.

GOLD'S GYM - response to me

Hi Shaina. We're sorry you're having trouble getting in contact with us. Can you tell us what location you were working out at? We can then forward your request to our customercare team right away.

GOLD'S GYM - part 3

@GoldsGym I work out at the Gilbert, AZ and Peoria, AZ locations. I received a call from one of your reps telling me that I can't freeze my account for financial reasons, even though I was already told by another rep that I COULD freeze the accounts (FREEZE, not terminate) as long as I did so with a $0, and before the payments started processing. What happens when I'm out of money--what will you take then? I don't appreciate being given the run-around; I don't appreciate being taken advantage of. I'm facing tough times and I'm asking you simply to HELP me by freezing my account until I can find a job. This makes me question how much I want to renew my contract in November.

GOLD'S GYM - part 4

@GoldsGym By the way, I am posting this on every social media site I know. People need to know what's going on, so they can protect themselves.

GOLD'S GYM

@GoldsGym I've been trying to get through to member services for days now, but all I get is a recording telling me that "we are experiencing higher than normal volume at this time," and to try e-mailing my question. I've tried that--it's been 3 days and I've received no response. I need to freeze my account and all accounts associated with my name for financial reasons. I can't afford to keep wasting my minutes like this. Will SOMEONE PLEASE help me?

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Defenseless

No, seriously, this hurts too much. I let my guard down, and I shouldn't have. I always lose. I always lose everyone. Usually it's when I feel safest, when I start to think maybe this time it'll be OK. I can't even be angry--I wish I could, but I can't. I don't feel anything but hollow, horrible sadness.

This is not meant to be a guilt trip. I just don't know what else to do. I wasn't expecting this, I really wasn't. And it's not better to have loved and lost, it sucks. I don't want to breathe anymore, I don't want to do anything. I want to be stone. I just don't want to feel anything anymore. God, this hurts. Why do I always lose?

I understand, of course I do. I understand it's not me, I understand you need your space. But please understand that the rug's been pulled from under me and I've fallen straight on my ass. I've lost so many people, but none of them have hurt like this. Please understand.

I still love you--I always will. I gave you my heart and trusted you with its safekeeping. And I hope with every fiber of my being that someday you'll want me back. I hope you will. And I hope my heart can heal.

My chest is lead...it's almost too painful to believe. If I can drift away from myself, if I can escape my sorrow, maybe I'll survive this.

Blindsided

The world is different today. It's hostile. Even the sky, which I know I should find beautiful, fills me with sadness and longing.

I have never felt so lonely in my life; or maybe, I've just forgotten what it felt like.

I feel an overwhelming sense of myself, like I'm the only thing tangible in this whole universe and everything else is a hologram--almost convincing, but I know in my heart it's not real. I'm lost here. Even Sumantra won't talk to me anymore. I'm consuming myself, I feel sick with it. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to break myself open to free me from myself so I can find out, no, it's just a bad dream.

I can't wake up.