No, seriously, this hurts too much. I let my guard down, and I shouldn't have. I always lose. I always lose everyone. Usually it's when I feel safest, when I start to think maybe this time it'll be OK. I can't even be angry--I wish I could, but I can't. I don't feel anything but hollow, horrible sadness.
This is not meant to be a guilt trip. I just don't know what else to do. I wasn't expecting this, I really wasn't. And it's not better to have loved and lost, it sucks. I don't want to breathe anymore, I don't want to do anything. I want to be stone. I just don't want to feel anything anymore. God, this hurts. Why do I always lose?
I understand, of course I do. I understand it's not me, I understand you need your space. But please understand that the rug's been pulled from under me and I've fallen straight on my ass. I've lost so many people, but none of them have hurt like this. Please understand.
I still love you--I always will. I gave you my heart and trusted you with its safekeeping. And I hope with every fiber of my being that someday you'll want me back. I hope you will. And I hope my heart can heal.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Defenseless
Blindsided
The world is different today. It's hostile. Even the sky, which I know I should find beautiful, fills me with sadness and longing.
I have never felt so lonely in my life; or maybe, I've just forgotten what it felt like.
I feel an overwhelming sense of myself, like I'm the only thing tangible in this whole universe and everything else is a hologram--almost convincing, but I know in my heart it's not real. I'm lost here. Even Sumantra won't talk to me anymore. I'm consuming myself, I feel sick with it. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to break myself open to free me from myself so I can find out, no, it's just a bad dream.
I can't wake up.
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