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Monday, December 19, 2011


I follow the blogs of a few recovering anorexics. I do this because I relate to them, and reading their words is like reading my own madness set to text.

The latest post in my e-mail today was about "thinsperation," better known as pro-ana blogs, etc.

I'm a bit fascinated by thinsperation, and I want to go to those blogs. I want to read about girls still entrenched in their disorders and be.....what? Inspired to relapse? Horrified at the sight of their skeletons? I think it would be justification for me. I've been counting calories again, this time with a spreadsheet. I can know exactly what my calorie balance is for the day (today's was about 1560--260 over what I felt comfortable with). And I realized today that because it's winter, I can wear a lot of baggy sweaters and pajama pants without drawing attention to myself or my (hopefully pending) weight loss.

Justification: I can look at those poor anorexic girls (I just want to hug them, wrap them in a blanket, tell them it's OK and have them BELIEVE it), and I can think to myself, "I don't look that bad. I still have a looooooooong way to go before anyone could say I looked like that, or even that I look skinny at all." I can lie to myself that I'm still in control, that I'm recovered and only want to lose 15 pounds or so. But even as I read these books on how to recover, how to address the mental illness itself, I'm beginning to feel frustrated. Thing is, I don't want to accept my body as it is. I don't want to be this fat, and I loathe the idea of being "average" in anything. So it has to be the other extreme--it has to be "underweight" and "too skinny" and "be careful."

I think I promise not to let it get too far out of control this time. But I'm probably lying.

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