Monday, June 4, 2012

Dime for a Dozen?

“I think it’s something every girl does.”

I still don’t know why I said that, because I don’t feel that way, and I hated the words as they left my lips. I think we say things like that to appear modest, downplay our pain…..? Make it look as though we’re not just mugging for attention or sympathy. That it wasn’t just a pathetic cry for help, or the spotlight. Because that’s all anorexia is, isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know. I mean, I lived through it, and am slowly coming out the other side (I live with it), but I still don’t know if I did it for the attention or…..what? It wasn’t so I could control something in my life; people say that’s why we do it, but that’s such bullshit. I think I did it primarily to prove a point to everyone who called me fat—kids at school, boys I liked, family members….. so that if they saw me, they’d have to eat their words. Because I was not fat anymore; I was a fucking skeleton. It was really pretty disgusting. I don’t know. Maybe it’s an individual thing. Like cutting—I was talking to Jake about this the other day. I knew this girl in high school who would scrape up her arms every so often and then show us all in class, and it irritated me because she wasn’t doing it for anything other than the shock value, to make people look at her and pay attention to her. I *despise* that. It makes the rest of us, who sat in our bathrooms bleeding and not crying and HATING ourselves, look like we’re just doing the same thing when we finally talk about it. I wore pants for years to hide the scars on my legs, and tried covering them up with makeup and even paint when I knew they might be seen. It wasn’t something I bragged about—it just served as a way to relieve some stress, and hurt myself a little bit, because sometimes emotional pain doesn’t hurt in the right way, and you need to take it to another level, because you’ve done something truly heinous, like existing, and you need to be punished for that transgression. What I’m saying, though, is that the people who abuse themselves from a deeper place than “look at me!” are really, really hurting. And to say, “Oh, it’s something we all do,” (or worse, the EXTREMELY misogynistic “Every girl does that,” a phrase I’m ashamed to have uttered) cheapens it, cheapens the pain that was and is real, and makes the person feel foolish and trivial.

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