Rejection

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Rejection--what we're really afraid of.

Republicans Hate Women

Dime for a Dozen?

“I think it’s something every girl does.”

I still don’t know why I said that, because I don’t feel that way, and I hated the words as they left my lips. I think we say things like that to appear modest, downplay our pain…..? Make it look as though we’re not just mugging for attention or sympathy. That it wasn’t just a pathetic cry for help, or the spotlight. Because that’s all anorexia is, isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know. I mean, I lived through it, and am slowly coming out the other side (I live with it), but I still don’t know if I did it for the attention or…..what? It wasn’t so I could control something in my life; people say that’s why we do it, but that’s such bullshit. I think I did it primarily to prove a point to everyone who called me fat—kids at school, boys I liked, family members….. so that if they saw me, they’d have to eat their words. Because I was not fat anymore; I was a fucking skeleton. It was really pretty disgusting. I don’t know. Maybe it’s an individual thing. Like cutting—I was talking to Jake about this the other day. I knew this girl in high school who would scrape up her arms every so often and then show us all in class, and it irritated me because she wasn’t doing it for anything other than the shock value, to make people look at her and pay attention to her. I *despise* that. It makes the rest of us, who sat in our bathrooms bleeding and not crying and HATING ourselves, look like we’re just doing the same thing when we finally talk about it. I wore pants for years to hide the scars on my legs, and tried covering them up with makeup and even paint when I knew they might be seen. It wasn’t something I bragged about—it just served as a way to relieve some stress, and hurt myself a little bit, because sometimes emotional pain doesn’t hurt in the right way, and you need to take it to another level, because you’ve done something truly heinous, like existing, and you need to be punished for that transgression. What I’m saying, though, is that the people who abuse themselves from a deeper place than “look at me!” are really, really hurting. And to say, “Oh, it’s something we all do,” (or worse, the EXTREMELY misogynistic “Every girl does that,” a phrase I’m ashamed to have uttered) cheapens it, cheapens the pain that was and is real, and makes the person feel foolish and trivial.

Dime for a Dozen?

Click here for Dime for a Dozen.docx

Burdy Herly

To My Body: An Apology Long Overdue

I'm sorry that I
hurt you
berated you
and called you names
hit you
told you you were fat
and stupid
and ugly
and made you believe it
I'm sorry I made you starve and hate yourself for it
I'm sorry I measured
(and celebrated)
how small you were becoming
every morning.
and night

I'm sorry I abused you
instead of treating you with the love you deserve

I'm sorry I made you weak
and cold
and hot
and tired
and when you wanted to shut down
I hit you
screamed at you
and pushed you on anyway
and when you tried to take a stand
and do what you needed to do
to survive
I punished you
and hated you

Sometimes I still hate you
I think a part of me always will
But I love you
also
and I'm sorry

I feel myself from the core of my being and fluctuating out to the whole universe. What joy in this resonating existence!

Meowth and Eevee

Rapunzel and Ninetails

I think if Rapunzel had a Pokémon, she’d have a Ninetails (aside from a Kecleon, I know)…..so I drew a crossover pic. Just a peaceful nap in the soft grass.

Why men should put the seat down. WITH STATISTICS!!!

A chart showing why it's men's responsibility to put the seat down.

GOLD'S GYM - part 3

@GoldsGym I work out at the Gilbert, AZ and Peoria, AZ locations. I received a call from one of your reps telling me that I can't freeze my account for financial reasons, even though I was already told by another rep that I COULD freeze the accounts (FREEZE, not terminate) as long as I did so with a $0, and before the payments started processing. What happens when I'm out of money--what will you take then? I don't appreciate being given the run-around; I don't appreciate being taken advantage of. I'm facing tough times and I'm asking you simply to HELP me by freezing my account until I can find a job. This makes me question how much I want to renew my contract in November.

GOLD'S GYM - part 4

@GoldsGym By the way, I am posting this on every social media site I know. People need to know what's going on, so they can protect themselves.

GOLD’S GYM – part 3
@GoldsGym I work out at the Gilbert, AZ and Peoria, AZ locations. I received a call from one of your reps telling me that I can’t freeze my account for financial reasons, even though I was already told by another rep that I COULD freeze the accounts (FREEZE, not terminate) as long as I did so with a $0, and before the payments started processing. What happens when I’m out of money–what will you take then? I don’t appreciate being given the run-around; I don’t appreciate being taken advantage of. I’m facing tough times and I’m asking you simply to HELP me by freezing my account until I can find a job. This makes me question how much I want to renew my contract in November.

GOLD’S GYM – part 4
@GoldsGym By the way, I am posting this on every social media site I know. People need to know what’s going on, so they can protect themselves.

GOLD'S GYM - part 2

@MissShaina Hi Shaina. We're sorry you're having trouble getting in contact with us. Can you tell us what location you were working out at? We can then forward your request to our customercare team right away.

GOLD'S GYM - response to me

Hi Shaina. We're sorry you're having trouble getting in contact with us. Can you tell us what location you were working out at? We can then forward your request to our customercare team right away.

GOLD'S GYM - part 3

@GoldsGym I work out at the Gilbert, AZ and Peoria, AZ locations. I received a call from one of your reps telling me that I can't freeze my account for financial reasons, even though I was already told by another rep that I COULD freeze the accounts (FREEZE, not terminate) as long as I did so with a $0, and before the payments started processing. What happens when I'm out of money--what will you take then? I don't appreciate being given the run-around; I don't appreciate being taken advantage of. I'm facing tough times and I'm asking you simply to HELP me by freezing my account until I can find a job. This makes me question how much I want to renew my contract in November.

GOLD'S GYM - part 4

@GoldsGym By the way, I am posting this on every social media site I know. People need to know what's going on, so they can protect themselves.

GOLD'S GYM

@GoldsGym I've been trying to get through to member services for days now, but all I get is a recording telling me that "we are experiencing higher than normal volume at this time," and to try e-mailing my question. I've tried that--it's been 3 days and I've received no response. I need to freeze my account and all accounts associated with my name for financial reasons. I can't afford to keep wasting my minutes like this. Will SOMEONE PLEASE help me?

Defenseless

No, seriously, this hurts too much. I let my guard down, and I shouldn't have. I always lose. I always lose everyone. Usually it's when I feel safest, when I start to think maybe this time it'll be OK. I can't even be angry--I wish I could, but I can't. I don't feel anything but hollow, horrible sadness.

This is not meant to be a guilt trip. I just don't know what else to do. I wasn't expecting this, I really wasn't. And it's not better to have loved and lost, it sucks. I don't want to breathe anymore, I don't want to do anything. I want to be stone. I just don't want to feel anything anymore. God, this hurts. Why do I always lose?

I understand, of course I do. I understand it's not me, I understand you need your space. But please understand that the rug's been pulled from under me and I've fallen straight on my ass. I've lost so many people, but none of them have hurt like this. Please understand.

I still love you--I always will. I gave you my heart and trusted you with its safekeeping. And I hope with every fiber of my being that someday you'll want me back. I hope you will. And I hope my heart can heal.

My chest is lead...it's almost too painful to believe. If I can drift away from myself, if I can escape my sorrow, maybe I'll survive this.

Blindsided

The world is different today. It's hostile. Even the sky, which I know I should find beautiful, fills me with sadness and longing.

I have never felt so lonely in my life; or maybe, I've just forgotten what it felt like.

I feel an overwhelming sense of myself, like I'm the only thing tangible in this whole universe and everything else is a hologram--almost convincing, but I know in my heart it's not real. I'm lost here. Even Sumantra won't talk to me anymore. I'm consuming myself, I feel sick with it. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to break myself open to free me from myself so I can find out, no, it's just a bad dream.

I can't wake up.

Walking around the Great Marsh (read: Gen 4 Safari Zone), just caught my 4th ACCIDENTAL PSYDUCK ...fml.

"Left me here alone, and I should've stayed home, after 10 cups of coffee and bacon!" #after10cupsofcoffeeImTHINKING #misheardlyrics #cantunhear

I'm probably too biased for this, but...

<img src="http://img.bzzagent.com/image/krogerTrulyAwesome.jpg?Type=activity&Activity=4683196915&Campaign=8088046278&Uid=1185440&token=0ec945be29deba7be33588646a5b4e56" alt=""/>


This is a review of the Kroger's The Truly Awesome(TM) Homestyle Chocolate Chip Cookies, which I'm submitting here as a BzzAgent.  I was able to try this product for free, and am now giving my own personal opinion, for which I will earn points to elevate my Agent status. 

Thing is, I'm a culinary student and an avid baker besides. I can tell the difference between real, homemade food and something from a box, no matter how much that box promotes its ingredients as "fresh" or "authentic." These cookies might be OK for road-trip snacks, or for a sudden cookie fix when you don't have time to make something from scratch. I would never serve them, though--they're just not up to my standards.

The flavor felt a little phoned-in to me, not unlike a Grandma's cookie (still good, but something's a little off).

The texture was too cake-y for my tastes--I prefer cookies to be flatter, crispy on the edges and chewy in the middle.

Like I said, they weren't the worst cookies I've ever had, but there's no way they could be called "as good as homemade."

Thinsperation

I follow the blogs of a few recovering anorexics. I do this because I relate to them, and reading their words is like reading my own madness set to text.

The latest post in my e-mail today was about "thinsperation," better known as pro-ana blogs, etc.

I'm a bit fascinated by thinsperation, and I want to go to those blogs. I want to read about girls still entrenched in their disorders and be.....what? Inspired to relapse? Horrified at the sight of their skeletons? I think it would be justification for me. I've been counting calories again, this time with a spreadsheet. I can know exactly what my calorie balance is for the day (today's was about 1560--260 over what I felt comfortable with). And I realized today that because it's winter, I can wear a lot of baggy sweaters and pajama pants without drawing attention to myself or my (hopefully pending) weight loss.

Justification: I can look at those poor anorexic girls (I just want to hug them, wrap them in a blanket, tell them it's OK and have them BELIEVE it), and I can think to myself, "I don't look that bad. I still have a looooooooong way to go before anyone could say I looked like that, or even that I look skinny at all." I can lie to myself that I'm still in control, that I'm recovered and only want to lose 15 pounds or so. But even as I read these books on how to recover, how to address the mental illness itself, I'm beginning to feel frustrated. Thing is, I don't want to accept my body as it is. I don't want to be this fat, and I loathe the idea of being "average" in anything. So it has to be the other extreme--it has to be "underweight" and "too skinny" and "be careful."

I think I promise not to let it get too far out of control this time. But I'm probably lying.